12:04 am

freshman year was fun, but let me tell you the story of my life.

On May 27th it will be a year ago to the day, that we fell in love, 170 feet up in the air with nothing below our feet. Flying. And it was perfect.

And we lasted through everything; through 3,000 miles, through jail bonds, through diamonds and saphires and nights slept on the beach picturing our children, our house, our future lives ajoined.. And now, just like a carving in the sand that gets washed away with the tide, he's gone. Not a break-up, not a fight, not an explanation. A dissappearance. It's been 2 months.

my life thus far is filled with betrayal.

11:14 pm - kipp

I dont konw if its too much to ask for you to call me on my birthday and leave me a message when i don't answer.. and say happy birthday, Pamela;... or to send me a card in the mail... so that i can get it in my mailbox at school, and get excited about it...

But apparently it is. and I've been asking too much the whole time. Eventohugh I've mailed you letters, apologizing for all the times that I've called you crying.. missing you and pleading with you to get out of the army. But you think my intentions are to make you feel bad. like I don't understand what your going through. Well i do. and its not that i don't suppport you. Its that I want to be with you.


I havent seen you for 2 months and apprently, according to your words toinght, Iwill never see you again. "I don't care anymore", you say.. you are going back to CA, and will not come and live iwth me like we have planned for so long. We're fighting now.. and battling out our differences at prime time. When we can't see eachother; can't talk to eachother every day.. But we'll be together in the end, I keep telling myself... well be together in the end.

09:24 pm

icant talk to you,
i cant look at you,
i cant see you.
but you are still so beautiful.
i cant touch you,
i cant wrap up in you
i cant love you.
but i love you
I cant hear your voice
i cant smell your cologne
i cant feel your presence
but i know youll always be there
i cant hug you
i cant kiss you
i cant look into your eyes
but i know that eventhually well be together
eventually.





The best things in life hurt... just a little.

01:56 am

i love you so much
i love you so much

01:26 am

I saw Romey last night for the last time... he's going to Iraq tomorrow... and hopefully he'll come back in 7 months.



farewell, my soldier!

12:36 am

im so upset. i just get so u;pset when i m drunk. i just get so upset. tyler said he was going tohang out with me tonight. and then he came overaand then left to go to his friends house. LIke i dunno... do guys hot understand that sometimes girls are hurt?? That sometimes they do things tuat hurt us they just dont realize it... i mean how rtardedn is that that i a\m upset just becuase he came over and ten left. I just fee like its my fault... like maybe I was acting too drunk. But i wasnt... I was completel fine. I don't know what hje left. I always dissa[opnted/


I always seem to get my hopes up. I get so excited to see someone, jhust one person> And then i get let down. every single time. I can't tell you the number of times i have dried to my roommates.... I just feel so aone when I dont have someone in my life. when i dont have a boyfriend. im SO unstabel SOO unstable. I just want someone to be concrete security in my life. And I get so excited about one person... Like there the person that is going to be there for me. and then Iget dissapointed becuase guyd dont get as \emotinal as girls do... They dont understand that when they go to hang ot with their friends instead of hanging out wtih the girls that the girl freels lonely. I feel so lonely. All the time
\


I just need to be happy. With myself. I cant make anyhone else happy until I can mae myself happy.
I cant make anyone else ha[[py untim i can make jyself happy.
I cant make anyone else happy until I can make myspaeft happy.
I cant behappy with someone in my life until I am happy with myself. Alone. Just eme. BHut I cant be. Im just so sensitive.


When i get drunk i get in touch with my TRUE feelings.
WHen erveruyojne else gets drunk they get gigglyh... and happy/// and ythey love everyone. WQhat is wrong with em
\
\What is weong with me
What is wrong with me



I'm fine. Its normal. Im just going through normal teenage shit. Im just goingnto learn about how to be happy woth myself. without someone else in my life



DONE

02:18 am - This is where I am, as of right now.

I'm eating two packages of hot oatmeal out of a big red plastic cup that my roommates save to play beer pong. Ill wash it.

I've got my left arm resting on an 11 page article, that I need to read and analyze for my english final

My iPod is on shuffle; it's taking me back to times and places; sitting on the bus on the way to school, crying myself to sleep at night in my bed in my house on 5th street, getting pumped up for hockey games. It's funny.. listening to songs again.. it's take you RIGHT back to the place you were the last time you heard it.

I'm talking to Scott about relationships. I just hooked with him in a sad attempt to get over Joe. Who I was over, until he came back into my life. I get upset every single night. I'm scared to drink becuase I know ill get upset. I guess thats good though, stops me from drinking.

I'm transfering schools for Architecture. Joanna wants me to look at USC.

I don't know if I'm ready to go back to LA. I miss it

I miss waking up at 4:30am to go play hockey with guys who most of the time treated me like crap. I miss having to drive all the way to Culver City, just to see friends. I miss when I met Kipp at magic mountain; eventhogh that is not something that one can miss. I miss people who don't speak english very well. And I miss being scared at night becuase i heard helicopters.

But I don'tknow if I'm ready to go back.

Becuase my home is not my home anymore.

12:37 pm

This is my personal vow to never, ever, ever again pound five shots in 20 minutes.



the end.

02:42 pm

im going to college

07:24 pm

I got a TWO on the calc AP. Pamela, come ON.

I told myself I wouldnt care so I half assed it (not EVEN) for the latter half of the year,

but now im on the UNCW student website, dropping my "natural disasters" class and adding an "intro to calc" class.

jesus.

07:08 pm

Ive had my first day of carefree happiness since I moved. It was yesterday




And this boy makes me feel more beautiful than i can explain




beautiful Wrightsville beach, dinner and some DAMN good southern hospitality :-)





<3<3<3

^eggs for breakfast. yaa

04:31 pm

Im fluctuating between I hate it and I don't like it, more towards the "i dont like it" being im trying to start my new life with a more positive flare. This is most likely for hte most part due to the excessive humidity which is... different (positive flare). Needless to say, I can't handle it, it's just too hot. Just three days ago we were catching the edge of "hurricane alberto" which wasnt a hurricane yet I guess but i did get to see my first flying grocery cart (almost flying, it was scary).


I got a job just to have something to do; it actually didnt take that long, i started working the day after I got down here.. I sel cell phone accessories, like covers and chargers at this kiosk in the food court (duh) in the mall (yes THE mall) in Wilmington.. Its a big mall, actually youd be surprised.. and there ARE mall rats.. i see some kids the same day.. every single day.. and then theres these old people that come and sit at the same table at the same day every day and drink coffee and chat for like 3 hours. every day.

Mr. Colebourne and Mr. Wellerstein were right, keeping my mouth closed for these first few months is my best bet. Im surrounded my STRONG right handed republicans who love bush and LOVE their BIBLE. Every time I turn off a cell phone to change the cover at work the banner says something about I LOVE GOD. haha ok not EVERY time... the boys go to church thouhgh, thats kind of cute. they think they're al bad ass on sat. night and then they wake up and go to church...umm now im rambling


UNCW is not what i expected.. im not too excited and im not really sure its the right school for me. If theres on thing i havent found here its intellectual people. Ive come across pot smokers and beach bums and i guarantee you thats it.

wilmington north carolina = pot smokers and beach bums.

so my University, 2 miles from the beach is filled with 10,000 disgustingly attractive men and women, who have all condensed their closets to jean skirts, tank tops, khaki cargo shorts and RAINBOW SANDALS which makes me want to throw up.... on the beach.. haha
</h>

UNCW

05:59 pm

Being seperated from my sisters it too much.

08:42 pm

I need to get this down so I can stop seeing Los Angeles streetlights as symbols of nastolgia, loss, new beginnings and life's few but unforgettable turning points. We've all heard that saying, 'you don't know what you have until it's gone' a million times and we've all probably experienced it to be true to some extent, and referred back to it at some point in our lives. But what I'm experiencing right now is that you don't realize whats really around you until you know it's going to be gone.

My house has been engulfed with cardboard boxes and my sister's already gone. All i want to do right now is lay down on my back, in the middle of the La Cienega and Wilshire boulevard intersection, one i've been through probably over a million times. Traffic stopped ofcourse. I want to look up at the traffic lights, changing from green to yellow to red, and watch the lights inside the bank and the office buildings turn off as people go home.... watch the people walk by; people what i've never seen before and will never see again yet they're SO close i could reach out and touch them if I wanted.

And then I want to pull over on the transition from the 10 West to the 405 South. It curves around above everything and has this georgous view of the city that I guarentee that there is no way to turn and look without causing atleast a 7 car wreck. You've probably driven is several times and didn't notice that you could see the ocean to your right, and downtown to your left.

I've slowed down a lot and looked at every corner and every angle of my city, and I wb

10:00 pm

i woke up this morning to two roses on the hood of my car, wrapped in a red ribbon.
one red, and one pink.

how sweet! THANK YOU SEELIG!

10:04 am

store locator. zip code 28403. the nearest Sam Ash music store is 117 miles away in Raleigh. And the next one is in Virginia. Guitar center? There just isn't one. WHere am I supposed to get my drum stuff? The family-run music shop on the corner?

10:21 am

im not trying to make you jealous. youve proved to me that you dont what to be with me, so I've moved on.

what else am I to do?

10:48 pm

David is my valentine. I don't really know what that means, nor does he. Fuck. Does anyone? Thats besides the point. He isn't my boyfriend, never was, and most likely never will be. And it feels great to know that he is such a great friend and cares about me enough to single me out on tuesday. maybe we'll do dinner.

07:35 pm

The man in the background was dancing. genius.



I had a great saturday night.
and now I have a headache.

09:04 pm

Baskin Robins
Harry Herris Shoes
CEE
San Vicente and Orlando
Barrington Square
La Cienega Tennis Center
McDonalds
Bill Botts Park
the blinking red light on Duquesne
La Cienega Park
K Field
Archer
Joey's Gym
Jamba Juice
Cedar Sinai
Sam Ash
the church in Culver City
Sunset and Canon
Beverly and Canon
Tipperary
La Cienega and the 10
the Doheny viewspot
Culver ice
J market
"the boot"